Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Brokenness


I believe we all have a calling and I believe God uses our gifts to interact with another gift. Yet, God had more in store for me than I ever would consider to be a gift or a blessing, so I thought! ....Sometimes we have this picture in mind of what our life should be and then you find that God had a different plan of direction, which means, choosing the path of vulnerability and sharing the things I wouldn't choose to share....with that being said, He chose my SUFFERING! I said, "REALLY GOD"! 'How can I do this and why! He said, "by opening up your heart to those who are suffering as you have over all these years and do it through your gift of art which I have given you, just as I have given you a DOOR of HOPE....So as I step out in faith and in vulnerability I share with you my journey...and in doing so, 'May we all become inspired to win the battles in our own struggles'. 
Together in Him we are conquerors
"In all things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us". Romans 8:37




Brokenness Is where I'd like to begin my journey with you, because it is here in my brokenness is where new beginnings began to take place in my life, although it didn't happen overnight or was it easy, it took years to walk through my brokenness... and I still am walking through it today. It's been long road of many struggles. losses and many great challenges, yet I was never alone in my suffering as God was there all along beside me even if at times I didn't feel him near. He was there!

If you are suffering in a season of brokenness, feeling it will never end.
You are not ALONE.
I want you to know that 'Brokenness' in my life "CHANGED ME".


                                   
With with a box full of journals over the years ...I share my journey with you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Journey 

During a very long season of deep loss, depression and long suffering of a painful separation from my
 mother, I became desperate to find my way here in this life without a mom. It was then that my
 passion for painting therefore became more of a band-aid covering all the painful deep rooted
 feelings of rejection and separation between mother and daughter...

In a time when my heart was deeply broken over the struggles I was facing, the pain and sorrow continued when my first grandson was born blind and deaf. This was greatly too much to handle, this was a great sadness...so many years of hoping for a miracle.
All along, I longed for my mom and needed her so desperately. 
Through out this time my father and sister were no longer in my life as well and I missed them all so desperately... The only way of surviving was to stay busy so I wrapped myself in my work. My thought was 'If I stayed busy enough I didn't have to feel or think about my painful losses'.....
Those were long hard years of feeling so alone. My life was full of anxiety and stress and I lived in
 great fear of the unknown.

The years continued with more great pain, confusion, loss and seeking... I sought anything and everything that could fill that empty void I felt inside.....but I wasn't prepared for what I was about to face.......






Then on Christmas eve 2004 my heart completely broke when my mother passed away from her
illness of cancer.

  I NEVER GOT TO SAY GOODBYE.
   It was the most painful goodbye.....

It was the one that was never said and never will be explained.

     Just complete silence!

That day it was then that i felt my life had stopped...
 I died with her!

Her loss and the unresolved healing between us totally wiped me out and threw me for a spin for years ahead that I had no ideal what laid before me...There was no closure and there was a great deep emptiness void inside me that I desperately tried to fill.

I suffered eating disorders and I went into a deep depression. I completely gave up and I lived in bondage to my addictions both bulimic and compulsive eating.

My faith was severely tested and stretched beyond one could handle...as I battled to make sense of it all and as I faced this powerful dark struggle within me I then begin to look outside of myself once
again to quiet the storm that was stirring inside me...

I ran and I ran hard... 
On the outside no one knew the pain I was living on the inside, only a few close friends and family...
As through that time I contiued my art shows and quest appearences and magazine shoots and so on as if all was well. Yet on the inside I was falling apart. There were so many times when I felt I could no longer carry on as I sunk deeper into depression. 

Around this time healing begin to take place between my dad, sister and I and it was answers to a long prayer of waiting. God heard my prayers... I was overjoyed!

I wish I could say things got better from here, it didn't...All along the pain carried on with my daughter's long struggled with her own battles of addictions and bipolar. The losses continued when my second born grandson was diagnosed with bipolar at the age of twelve who has struggled with suicidal thoughts and great depression. Then we got the news of my youngest grandson diagnosed with diabetes at the age of two. Then there was my granddaughters struggle with addiction as well.. When is enough, ENOUGH, I cried out .. Yet the losses continued. These were long nights that turned into day's that turned into years of great pain and more losses.

In 2011 we all suffered a great loss in the family, with my daughter-in-law's sisters unresolved tragic death. Hadn't the family suffered enough. Such a great loss. 
Life was hard and everyday seemed to spill into the next of sadness and more suffering. 
It felt as though I was sinking deeper and deeper and could not come above water. Sinking even deeper I receive more painful news of my brother and father's diagnoses with cancer. Again, i cried
out...Enough!......It has been long years of endless seeking to the why's ... begging and pleading with
God.
Our losses have been great! 

Through the years healing begin to slowly take place and God begin to show me light through my darkness, hope through my struggles and suffering.


In the past years I spent memorable blessed days with my father where healing took place between the two of us, it was beautiful! He was back in my life and I felt blessed...
June 22, 2014 my heart broke wide open when my dad passed away from cancer and went home to
be with the Lord. I will hold the dear memories, conversations, our togetherness and laughter we shared . 

Most of all I will treasure so dear and precious to me is the day I received his call and he entered back into my life and asked for forgiveness....It's here where God begin to show me,'Beauty in my Brokenness'. 



Our reuniting special day after years of separation.

  
My story here is just touching the surface...as I've lost through time, my grandfather, cousin, and uncle through very tragic deaths. Grandmothers, and mother-in law to cancer. 

Addictions, depression, mental illness, has all been a part of our sufferings and some of us are still standing, while some of us did not make it. I lost a uncle to suicide from addiction to heroin, his wife (my aunt) who's body was found in a alley from an heroin overdose, then to losing my other dear uncle from alcoholism, who lost his life tragically.


I heard this saying the other day~

'Darkness restores what light could not repair'

This made me think that for those of us who have lived in the darkness of hard times, I believe that our darkest times make us who we are today. We grow through them and become stronger. The good times in our life do not always build our strong character...

My faith in the Lord has grown and I take nothing for granted...each day is a blessing no matter how it may look...I've grown to learn that God has a plan and he hasn't deserted us. 

Whatever you are facing right now, I want to tell you, God will make a way to get you through it!  No matter how weary I felt throughout all these years , I knew God has given me the grace to endure.

God sees your tears and He knows your pain. 

I leave you with this....

"Suffering in Silence". 
I read these words once~unsure of author.. It read something like this:
"Because I believe so many struggle alone suffering in silence, whether it be a loss, a tragedy, broken relationships, broken dreams, illness, abandonment, rejection, mental illness, depression, emotionally
wounded, an addition, we suffer in silence alone... but what is sadder is once after someone has overcome there suffering we then hear of it! That is so sad...
Why is it that we share and speak out only when we are strengthen or over a crisis"...
I had become one of those persons...I believe we need to support one another, uplift, encourage and pray for one another... There is hope!
It's a on-going journey which we come into which makes us much stronger, loving, understanding and supportive of others who have walked or still walking down a similar path. Over the years I have felt led to share my journey with others and I have put it off until now so with opening up my heart to you, I have begun this blog sharing my Journey of brokenness. Feeling vulnerable yes!  but I do know this is what God has asked of me. My prayer is if it touches one person then it was all worth it!

More continues below...


THE NOTE

A Time for everything.

I believe there's a time for everything and God always knows the right timing just like with my dad.
When my Dad became very ill there was somthing inside of me, maybe the little girl inside that couldn't or didn't want to see, her daddy slowly dying. I wanted to run so I did with small trips here and there and yet during this time God kept telling me to go be with my Dad...yet I kept asking, begging and praying for something other then this.
With much prayer God begin to show me what he wanted of me. Loud and clear I heard him say, "Go be with your Dad"! So I packed and headed into months of the unknown fear as I watched my Dad slowly loose his life.
Now in reflecting over the time we shared together is something I hold so dear to my heart that I will treasure always. 
During the time of his illness I reflected how we spent most precious time together how out of something so difficult and so broken became something so beautiful between the two of us. We spent time creating nothing of importance but instead filing time as we both bonded together knowing his days were short here on this earth. Each morning I'd wake to him waiting for me with a cup of coffee anticipating the day out in his garage for another day of creativity as he slowly finished stripping an old antique trunk and as I worked on painting a rooster he proudly cut out for me, we"d share a little about our projects and would carry on. One morning I woke to find a note he wrote saying, "I love you" with a drawing of a smiling face sitting next to my coffee. Those days I will treasure always so close to my heart. His note is kept safe in my glass cabinet where I see it daily as a reminder and remembering his face smiling as he waited for me to see the note. I've learned that beauty can be found in the brokenness. In those quite days spent with my dad I saw his heart, his fears his desperate fight to live and his fight of aging. Little did I know that the little scared girl inside me that feared death was also something he was fighting... 
My dad was a fighter he created up until a month before he passed. He is my inspiration and I will always miss him...and most of all I am grateful God sent me back and put me where I needed to be at that time, with my Dad!


I miss you Dad!

My journey continues ~Until next time...Blessings, Cindy

9 comments:

  1. Hi Cindy!
    Thank you for having the courage to share your story. It touches my heart. Your art is beauty, and it heals so many. Miss you. Are you still offering your art classes. ..how about those women's get togethers you spoke of. I'm always interested if you do. Xoxo. ..♡

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  2. Thank you Marcia, my hope is my story can help others who are suffering. Miss you too! Let's plan on getting together after the holidays. As of now I am trying to prepare for our 'Holiday Open House' so everything else is on hold until spring. Hugs and Blessings, Cindy

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  3. If we can just make it through it.....

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  4. By the way Cindy Ellis, you are a God given Blessing. I thank God for you.
    John R Volz

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  5. Thank you John, for I am truly grateful we have met and thank you in sharing in apart of my Journey with me. God bless you friend!

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  6. Cindy would love to get together. I have some special news to share....♡

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    1. Wonderful! Would love to hear Marcia... I'll be out of town for a week. Call me 909-335-5999 or email: cindyellisart@gmail.com

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  7. Cindy, I have always loved your rose paintings, and now I know why. Your true heart is so beautiful and tender. I nearly lost my husband not long ago. He endured 4 brain surgeries and ensuing brain trauma. I trust the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort me through each day, and He has. But it hasn't been easy at all. I developed PTSD from the horrible things I saw and am seeing a Christian counselor. Like you, I found it hard to get through each day as depression overwhelmed me. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you'll continue writing. It's wonderful to know that a woman of God is willing to share her journey.

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  8. Cathy, I want to thank you for sharing, I so deeply feel your struggle and pain. Im so sorry about your husband, i cant even imagine what you must be going through and to have developed ptsd...to have your life shattered in great fear.
    I for sometime lived with great anxiety and fear and felt detached and was emotionally numb through a great period of years and in my next part of my blog I hope to share more about this and hope it will help others to know their not alone. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.
    I want you to know Cathy I will be praying for you and your husband Tim. I'm deeply touch by your message and I am in awe as I write to you with tears as I feel the work of our Lord in the mist of our struggles, pain, and suffering as we share with one another. As in this scripture, 1 Thessalonians 5:11
    “So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.”
    God bless you Cathy and please feel free to email me...together with our Lord we can and will get through this!

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